speaking of avoiding my mom.... arg. i picked up micheal moore's book Stupid White Men and read the whole thing and apparently read really slow cuz it's 5:00 now. what am i thinking? it's not like i have extra mom left. oh, i'll go see her in a couple of months. not going to happen. still, i thought she would be dead by now. i have no idea how to guess how much time she has left. october? no way. i thought. yarg this sucks. this is supossed to happen to other people. i am suppossed to lead a charmed and stress-free life because i am special damnit, and people around me are supppossed to be too. and i'm suppossed to be young forever. and the whole fxcking summer is gone and 2002 is almost over and it sucked and i did nothing useful with my time. i'm a year older with nothing to show for it. i need to stop screwing around. and i learned no GRE words today and wrote no music and only read a stupid book and didn'tr even go see my mom or get a job or do a darn useful thing and i've been living my life this way for a whole year. more than a year. 1.5 years of lame-ass slacking. and before that i worked for aol. i suck. i, like all software people both with jobs and without, am a parasite in the intestine of humanity. i'm so fxcking special i don't need to get a job or go see my mom or even "find myself" (the groovy excuse for directionless young artists) or nothing. sometimes i feel like nothing i do matters and other times i realize it's because i do nothing. poor little rich girl. fxck.