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Thursday 15 January 2004


the hoa board president just came over and related concerns of people who are trying to sell their places and how the temporary structure might affect them. so we've got three yes votes and 11 probable nos. Ellen started talking about how she wouldn't have moved here. why didn't we talk to her before building the thing? i wasn't even around then, i was at school.

when my mom was sick, a group of people and I went to see Minority Report at the big megaplex theatre in Mountain View. It was a Tom Cruise movie with lots of action and random violence, although somewhat written by my favorite sci-fi author. I shook the whole time the movie was on, totally overwhelmed, and hoped that nobody would notice me shaking. Afterwards I panicked in the parking lot about whether my mom would take all of the toxic pills that my dad refused to put out of her reach.

i feel like that now.

I couldn't keep my mom safe. i couldn't make things work with christi. i can't garuntee that ellen won't be cast into fast food jobs. i can't cant cant do anything. cant do anything but sit here, tiwtiching, blog posting.

I think "i'm an asshole," but then i think it's been stressful lately, "this is not who i am." well, then who the hell am i? i am a failure in relationship. i am someone who lures people here with false promises of working space, then shows up unexpectedly, has a major crisis, acts like an ass, is unable to deliver the promised work space and is totally incabable of dealing with the stress. i can't go to the dmv without having to breathe deeply the whole time. but, hey, maybe this is not who i am. maybe there is a capable human lurking deep somewhere, maybe out for a holiday, maybe getting a bite for lunch, maybe hiding under the bed.

these woes aren't even that bad, not like mom swallowing a pile of god-knows-what in the middle of the night. (thank god she never got into the pills. i did not hysterically go insist in the middle of the night that something be done. i can't remember how this was resolved.) why can't i function?

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