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Thursday, 5 February 2004

There will be advantage in every movement

So yesterday, I went on a date

It was my first date since becoming single and, indeed, my first date since I was 18 years old. The last date I went on was with a 17 year old French horn player who was still in highschool. (Christi and I didn't date until after we were a couple, so it doesn't count.) Actually, the horn player may have been the only girl I ever went out on dates with. I had a girlfriend before that, but I didn't go out with her so much as . . . well, nevermind.

I have a memory of feeling awkward and thinking that dating girls was, suprisingly, as awkward as dating boys. I actually dated quite a number of boys when I was 15 and 16. It was awkward and stupid and confusing, because sometimes I would like them, but I never liked them.

Anyway, I went out to a coffee shop in town yesterday and met a woman from a personal ad. She's a Middletown resident, which means she can tell me things like where to get my car fixed and where folks hang out, which is very handy. I'm horribly shy with new people. I hardly spoke, I think. She told many stories. She's a security gaurd and wants to be a cop and is some sort of volunteer with the Middletown PD, where she actually wears a full uniform (minus the pistol) and responds to certain types of calls. (I am a nice girl and didn't ask about handcuffs.)

She's also an aspiring poet and sent me a poem she wrote last November which she is very proud of. It won some sort of contest at, through which she can get a publishng deal of some kind (that sounds a bit scammy). I think she outght to hold out for Chicken Soup for the Soul. Her poem is better than some of Tiffany's mom's poetry and as I recall, Tiffany's mom was published in Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul.

I gave her the url for my music, but haven't heard anything back about it yet.

I didn't feel any sort of spark. I'm not sure we share an asthetic or a worldview, but she seems fun. I talked very little and was uncertain what to say. I said virtually nothing of my background. when I pulled out my post-it pad to write down my phone number, the top post-it had a phone number and said "divorce lawyer" in large letters. she must think I'm escaping from a het marriage.

The real situation is much too complicated. I want to work it out with Christi, but when she said "maybe later," the possible time she indicated was after my graduation. I told Angela last semester that it was foolish to pretend that I had any say whatsoever over my fate. I dunno what to do with myself over the next year and half, or indeed, any time after that either. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and waiting to see what life gives me.

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