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Wednesday, 3 March 2004

Emotional history

Highschool - sad before coming out. after coming out, don't remember

College - till senior year - don't remember. I think I was a rilly happy freshwoman. Sophmore year, christi got sick, which was deeply alarming. Junior year, don't remember.

senior year of college (97-98) - stressed to the point of trying st john's wort, which i thought made me manic. I sad, "I thought i was depressed, but it was all in my head." stress cause: thesis

right after college - unhappy and directionless after finishing major goals in life.

first jobs - depressed due to crappy hours and no music in life. mostly felt sad while stoned, but made major changes as a result.

netscape - very happy at first. better pay. better hours. bought music gear. made a lot of tape music.

christi goes to work at nolo - my netscape commute starts to suck. sili valley culture is very irritating. job is less interesting. want to quit, but am persuaded to stay, meanwhile, economy going south. becoming more and more unhappy

got laid off by netscape (2001) - feel very directionless. alternate between feeling relieved and like a loser. trying to convince christi to take a long leave and go to europe. she doesn't want to. no idea what to do with life. i think i must have been unhappy.

trip to europe 2001 - christi got laid off by nolo, so europe trip happened. felt somewhat stressed at the time, but great experience. overall - happy

back to grind - fall/winter 2001 - 2002 - still not sure what to do with self. start focussing more and more on music, which makes me happier and happier. driver for om festival in 2002 perhaps happiest time in my life. then going to confrences, writing stuff, had an ensemble going, checking out grad programs. happy. on the way to visit a music thing in seattle when ...

spring 2002 - mom gets cancer. miserable. sad. stressed. not much clear memory from this time. dark dark days.

fall 2002 - mom dies - days get darker yet. quit getting out of bed. barely able to function. don't rember the winter, but know i was sad. blog posts indicate that i was working on grad school apps. trying not feel sad by supressing emotions (i think). probably acting weird.

spring 2003 - got accepted into wesleyan. neighbor said it was the first time she'd seen me smile in months. played a gig at jack straw. still sad, but trying not to. felt sense of direction.

summer 2003 - playing a lot of music. working on many projects. happier than i'd been in a long time. i think i was pretty happy and becoming happier the whole time

fall 2003 - not knowing anyone at school caused stress, so i was unhappy and lonely at first and returned to heavy mourning. created stress for myself by taking too many classes + doing too much work on assignments. got happier and happier until winter break, but possibly supressing feelings?

winter break - deeply stressed. feelings supressed as much as possible. broke up with christi.

the present - unsupressing emotions. feel mostly very sad. regret winter descision.

conclusion

tracking trends, I've been unhappy the last 6 - 7 years way more often than happy. however, 1. happiness comes in moments, usually, which might defy trends (is this true for everyone?) and 2. when i'm sad, i have an easier time remembering sadness and when i'm happy, i can only remeber that, which skews any data.

things that make me happy include having goals, having direction, new projects, and having music. things that make me unhappy is the abscence of any of those "having" things, a screwed up social life, death, divorce

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