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Monday 8 March 2004

So I went to have breakfast with Christi this morning. Spent the whole time trying to convince her that it would be a good idea to try to work it out. I'd been telling people that even when I did stupid things, it always seemed to me at the time to be reasonable. Well, as I sat in the restaurant, untouched food cold in front of me, manically explaining how things could be really great because we'd both learned so much, I was kind of aware that i was not being reasonable or even rational. This didn't exactly put christi at ease, or convince her. I'd think "I have to stop. maybe if i just say it a different way!"

Yeah, so she's kind of extremely mad at me. We tried talking about my mom being sick a little bit. She said she was hurt. I didn't come back with "my mom died!" which was my previous responce. I said that I was sorry I had been so angry, etc. She explained that, no, she was hurt because my mom had died, as in, it was really hard for her.

I blinked a bit. It surprised me to hear her say it. But I don't know if it was a wow-she-was-upset-about-that-too kind of surprise or a that's-really-not-what-i-expected-her-to-say kind of surprise. I mean, I got kind of caught up in my own devastating loss of my mom and wasn't really foccussing on how it was affecting other people. On the one hand. On the other hand, of course it's obvious that it would have upset Christi. She knew my mom for 7 years and they loved each other. I don't think I would have failed to notice that, but I dunno. I feel very confused right now. And my memory from times of stress is all jumbled and unclear. This morning is jumbled. A year ago is more jumbled.

Christi really does not want to work it out and I need to accept that. Just because I think we could and should is not going to change her mind, no matter how I say it or how many times. Harping on it for over an hour is just going to make her not want to talk to me at all.

I wonder if I'll ever see her again.

I need very much to have a tumultuous, reboundy-type affair. Now accepting applications. I'm in California till the 22nd. Why not have some short-term drama?

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