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Thursday, 29 April 2004


Yes, I worry too much. sometimes, I worry about how much I worry. But now I've posted my worries a few days ago and they worry me less. Do people know I have a lot of baggage and will it change their opinion of me? Well, they know now, I guess.

I was talking to somebody the other day and she told me I was telling her something I had already told her. So I switched to being entertaining instead. But really, most of the time I talk to get things outside myself. So I say the same things over and over again. This is why it's good to have many friends, so you can tell them your latest tale of triumph or woe or whatever and you end up telling 10 people and by the end, you've expelled it from yourself.

The last day of class is May 4th. One week from today, May 6th, I am giving a concert. God willing I will be done with my paper very soon. I must do some reading for it. Foucault. Something about cross dressing in the middle ages. Too many books. And I must document the lab more fully. I think I'll be home in two weeks. Hopefully less. Not that I've bought tickets yet or anything.

When I get home, I will need a bike and an internship. Somebody who reads this has an extra working bike lying around that they want to give up for the summer. Or maybe it's only a little broken? Flat tires or something? Busted breaks? Some small but annoying thing that is preventing you from riding it and if you lent it to me you would get it back fixed in August. Let's be honest. You'll never get around to fixing it yourself. It's just making you feel guilty, sitting there broken. You keep meaning to bike places, but you're always running late and that little piece of plastic over the spring thingee on the breaks is cracked and you really ought to get it fixed, but the guy at the shop will realize that yer a poser and it's too much work to get it over there and you don't have time, you'd rather watch tv or something and damn now you feel guilty again. see, you can get this out of your life by lending me your bike. then, you'll feel a little glow when I talk about how nice you are. And that will last for a few weeks after you get your bike back, before you feel guilty again for not riding it. Byt then it will be october and so hot the tired would melt off of it as it sits locked in front of a Bart station, so you wouldn't need to feel guilty then either. And then you'd kind of forget about it for a while. So you can get months of guilt out of your system...

Maybe it's just me that thinks this way? the same thing would also work for getting me an internship, by the way. I will work for very little money (alas) and you would impress your boss by reccomending me and feel like a good person all around and it would totally make up for all those secret solitare games.

I feel kind of spacey today, obviously. I have a bunch of errands to run, but I have to sit here and wait for a plumber before I can do them. I should read some of my books. Which first? Queer theory? Medival cross dressing? Or the rehabilitation trial fo joan of arc? I think critical theory goes well with scatteredness. I notice that I understand it better if I read it while tipsy or on the verge of sleep.

For non-required reading, I got a book out of the library called Bisexual Women in the 12st Century. It's also full of theory stuff. But I figured that everybody seems to be bisexual these days. Makes me wonder what's going on in the world. Am I missing out on something or what? So I read the introduction and it's main point was, "seems like everybody is bisexual these days." Ok, well, I knew that. So I wonder if I might be missing out on something, but then I remember that what I'm missing out on is boys, and well, I'm ok with that. Anyway, apparently there was a huge bi movement in the early 90's that made bisexuality more and more acceptable in the GLB community, in that, that's when they started adding the 'B' to their acronyms. And this movement was centered in the Bay Area, a lot. So when I was a youth, I really wanted to be bi and I guess that made me a product of that time. But I tried it out and boys were just... boring. I have nothing against them, but they're not girls, you know. So I dunno why I'm wondering about this again aside from having so many bi peers. I guess there are very few lesbians in the world (and really, a lot of women who said they were lesbians before had secret boyfriends and stuff, so this isn't new, it's just more out and out is good). One of the few. One of the proud. One of the lesbians. My very deep thought on all of this is: "the more queer women, the better."


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