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Saturday, 17 April 2004

When the worst has already happened

[dead squirrel]
That's a dead squirrel on a paper plate with a wilted flower placed in front of it. A zoom of the photo seems to reveal that the squirrel's throat has been cut, but maybe it died of natural causes . . . and somebody thought it would be nice to leave it in the CFA area next to a tree. I came by the next day and it was still there, but the paper plate was gone. I have a pic of that too, but it's a less fluffy squirrel after being dead for a day in the rain. I haven't been back by there since.

So the squirrel paid the ultimate price for art or maybe became art accidentally after tossing aside this mortal coil. One thing you can do when you're distressed is to ask "what's the worst that could happen?" wtwtch? this I learned from Olga's blog. So maybe the squirrel's predicament is the worst that could happen to anybody. But I don't think so. Some people seek death as escape, which would imply that it's not the worst thing ever.

So what if the worst thing that could possibly happen already has? Jean asked me a couple of days ago. *blink* What would I have to lose? I'd be free. I could stop worrying. I could love everyone as much as I could. I could take any risk. I could go in any direction.

So what direction to go in? Man, I dunno. I feel kind of damaged. I'm kind of glad to be trapped in the limbo of grad school as much as I want to get home as soon as I can. As much as I feel isolated, it's like havign a testing ground for differnt directions or something. being here doesn't feel like real life. I saw a movie over winter break called The Red Desert, in which a woman has a nervous break down and is surrounded by desolation. She says to a sailor, "It's just that I need to remember that these things that keep happening to me are my life." It's a really good movie but it was bit too much for me to watch when I was watching it.

I feel sadder about losing my mom than I feel about losing Christi, and I dunno why cuz I always thought it would be the other way around. Maybe cuz when I lost my mom is when I lost Christi too, really. Maybe cuz I never really had Christi. Maybe cuz Christi's not dead, thank god. Tho I don't really want to see her or talk to her right now.

Ok, so I said I would post about sleeping with as many women as possible and I wrote a post and I decide to post it and then I change my mind and then I change my mind again. Which is kind of how I feel about sleeping with as many women as possible.... la la la.... here's the post I wrote yesterday:

Sleeping Around

Normally, I try to keep my blog posts pretty pg-13 and I think this one will prolly be around that level. Maybe R. However, if you are a relative or have the power to write grades on my coursework, please shoo from this post and read the archives instead or something.

Now that I've got your attention.... ok, so one of the rebounding things I listed was "sleeping with as many women as possible." Which has a million pros and cons. I met a guy a couple of nights ago who was all sad about some boy and I said that people had been telling to rebound by sleeping around. The sad guy said he didn't think he was capable of such a thing, which reminded me of my first girlfriend....

Ok, so I was very young. 17.5 - 18.5. She was the same age. (I'm in disclaimer land. I bear him no lingering ill will. I hope him the best.) Our relationship was non-monogamous. (I know the hip term now is " polyamorous," but this was 1993 and we didn't yet know such a word.) What this actually meant is that she slept around and had another girlfriend who she'd been seeing forever . . . and I was just seeing her. This was not an ideal arrangement, obviously. She encouraged me towards non-monogamy. She told me where to meet chicks. She even left me alone with aggressive females she knew were hot for me. For whatever reason, I was only interested in her. Our relationship wasn't very good, obviously, and we broke up around the time I left to go to college

I arrived at Mills and decided maybe I should finally embrace this nonmongamy thing and try to get some chicks. this was grossly unpopular idea. Several people explained to me that monogamy was where it's at. Some of those people (ok, one) later had six girlfriends who didn't all know about each other, but whatever. It was during this time that I developed my current mack technique which involves giggling stupidly, blushing and looking at my shoes. This didn't work so well at the time, but somehow is working now. anyway. So finally, I succeeded in getting a couple of chicks who I was kind of dating, but not seriously and it seemed kind of doomed and then I got with christi.

christi insisted on monogamy. I was more or less ok with it, although it was an issue that came up occasionally.

Fast forward many years . . . christi and I were still together but on different continents. We decided to be nonmonogamous due to separation. I was half heartedly pursuing a few straight women who were really not interested. As far as she told me, Christi wasn't hooking up either.

Um, so this idea of "sleeping with as many women as possible" would be a dern new experience, even as it's an old idea.

Pros

Make up for missing life experience. Fuck the pain away. (as Peaches would sing) Make new friends. Feel like a part of the queer community. Get a larger audience for thesis concert. Know more undergrads. Kind of fun.

Cons

undergrads are all around 20 years old, I think. risk of drama. risk of disease. risk of her getting attached to me. risk of me getting attached to her. um, could this hurt my future academic career? takes a lot of effort. cuts into sleep time. pain just comes back later, maybe worse cuz of no sleep. getting shot down could hurt ego. somewhat confusing.

And so, rebounding person can have a warm body next to her for one sleepless night. and feel like there's some human connection, where there hasn't been that much of one, unless there has: who knows? if you take critical theory ( a required subject for all undergrads here), you wonder what does it all mean because things do not just signify themselves. Sex with near-strangers is certainly a technology of the self. Maybe identity is formed in contrast to the other? Maybe it's hard to know what to think.

Jean told me to do it and a bunch of people have agreed, but I dunno.

Tumultuous affair was a good idea.

Sleeping around is, well, different. hypothetically i mean. of course. yes. goodnight.

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