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Thursday 24 February 2005

Daily Litany of Woes

I'm going to cheer up any damn day now. But in the meantime: super exhausted all day. Slept through morning class meeting thingee. And then super grumpy. I hate everybody on earth. Except I don't. Playing in Braxton's ensemble always makes me happy (even though I'm late every goddamn day). Colloquium does not. It has complexities. I'm having a lot of complexities. Came home and napped for like half an hour and then went to my usually deserted office hours. there were 37264191724 people there. they all have stuff due tomorrow. they are all trying for the first time to figure out how to use the software. It's kind of endearing. also, I laugh at their ill planning. Ha ha ha. Nothing personal. It's what comes from hating everyone on earth.

Braxton came in and I wrote an Event thingee for him. Ron told me to figure out Events when I met with him this afternoon. (The meeting mostly included me cussing and him saying I should rewrite stuff in a bunch of different conflicting ways. This is exactly what happened with my text project. He's always thinking "what's a different way to write this?" It's sort of helpful with writing code, because he's going to touch upon a better method and then I've learned something. Not so helpful with text.) so, I had a hammer and Braxton's thing looked enough like a nail.

I am extremely fond of Prof Braxton. We're going to jam on friday.

Ok, I don't actually hate everyone on earth. It's much too tiring. I don't hate anyone, really. Also, I am drinking calm tea before bed. It's working.

John Cage has a pretentious quote about being willing to dedicate his life his art. Me too. Sign me up.

Thoughts on Death

I spend a lot of time thinking about death. Anyway, a hospice worker told me that people often experience a period of wakefulness before they die. sometimes they sort of come-to and say goodbye to everyone and then die a few hours later. This didn't happen to my mom, but she did have one sort of dramatic waking over a week before she died. I think it's different when you have a brain tumor.

Anyway, I've been over anthropomorphising my laptop. It booted and I logged in and looked at the desktop, thinking I was never gong to see it again. And then half an hour later, it died. Sort of not like a person. Like a pet rabbit that hops a few last hops and then goes back into a coma. So, ok, it's inanimate. I still grieve. I'm thinking a memorial service would be overkill . . . although we had a wake for Leroy the gerbil when he died last spring. I'm going to write a requiem for my laptop disk.

No, I haven't really written a requiem for my mother. there's a major difference between a dead pet rodent and a dead mom. I don;t cry when recording Chopin's funeral march because I'm thinking of my disk. However, I did write a piece for my grandmother. Maybe I'll post it later.


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