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Thursday, 3 May 2007

Now that's novel!

Instead of doing the many, many things that I need to do this week, I've been reading about premillenial dispensational estatology on wikipedia. Doesn't that sound like something very scientific or researched and reasoned? See, esatology is the science of how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. Premillenial dispensationalists believe that normally only so many angels will fit, but due to certain prophetic circumstances, infinite angels can be accommodated. (This in contrast to postmillenialists who believe . . . I forgot joke I was going to make here. I can't even satirize something already so outrageous.)

Ok, so those are a bunch of fancy words for trying to do sekrit magik with the bible. It's got sekrit prophesies in it, which you can learn about in bible "college" or via wikipedia. Or via my coming potboiler end times novel. Thanks to my exhausting exhaustive research, I can now provide an very rough outline, including some character names and prophetically required plot points. It gets less structured as the tribulations drag on.

Outline

World Currency: Euro used for international trade

AntiChrist: Angel Caduto, head of UNICEF

Whore of Babylon - heads religion

Back story: ww3 expanded Israel's borders and lead to the breakup of the US

Mary Sue is a very famous composer who teaches at the conservatory.

Ralph teaches art at the art academy.

  1. Ruso-Ethopian war (told in flashback, witnessed by Ralph)
  2. Rapture
  3. Dutch disaster services
    1. this is not ww4
  4. Caduto, head of UNICEF addresses world
    1. no human technology could have caused this
    2. "To be frank, we have no way of knowing what has happened or if the missing will be returned."
    3. no country has been spared
    4. therefore, must be natural or alien - at least not originating on earth. Aliens!!!
    5. North America may have been hit so badly because it was facing the aliens
    6. Kids are smaller and maybe easier to transport (also, tastier)
    7. We don't know why some people disappeared and others didn't, but are looking into factors. Many did not drink alcohol. (not pre-marinated)
    8. We must unify to fend off possible invasion
  5. Ralph wonders why Jews weren't spared. Mentions passover, Lot and Noah. Meanwhile, TV shows pictures of huge disaster in North America - crash planes, fires burning, whole government vanishes live in C-Span.

WOB commissions memorial piece from MS for the disappeared at world-wide interfaith memorial. Calls for spiritual unity.

Caduto calls for everyone to have an RFID chip implanted in them to make a better tracking system.

Ralph goes back to Israel and joins sect making sacrifice on temple mound.

WOB or Caduto reveals that all the adult disappeared were Christians and children. To insure the protection of those left, alcohol is required and xtianity is outlawed. "There is no heaven or hell, there is just survival!"

War breaks out (war and rumors of same)

giant earthquake (maybe change this to a meteor? "The sun goes dark, the moon turns blood-red, and meteors fall from the sky. ") 25% of those remaining die

illegal religious group gets radio implants and organizes black market

fire, smoke and sulphur hit

Caduto is murdered along with 2 underground religious leaders and another political leader

Caduto rises from the dead after 3 days - lightening storms. moves to temple

Those who have UN RFID chips get sick from them

Oceans turn to blood & rivers too and whatnot

sun scortches

darkness - (finally some relief from the sun. oh no, it's dawn again and still august! augh!)

Rivers dry up - which is probably not such a bad thing,s ince they're full of blood

giant hailstones (do these melt to restart the rivers?)

Jesus comes back and kills a lot of people. (The lion of god, the prince of war. Reveals the Beatitudes were a bunch of bullshit thrown in to fool people who couldn't crack the sekrit code, just like dinosaur bones, but for pacifists.) All the disappeared and killed underground folks come back to life. Zombies!!!!

a bunch of other crazy shit happens. jeebus, USA foreign policy is based on this crap?

1 comment:

Daniel Wolf said...

Definitely on the right track, but I can't help but think that it would be useful to throw in cameo appearances by the angel Moroni and Xenu the galactic dictator, just to make everyone a bit more nervous.