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Thursday, 20 December 2007

I don't want to be whiny, but

. . . but since I cut my zoloft dose in half a few days ago, I'm starting to experience negative emotions like a normal person. Er, yeah, only minor headaches from withdrawl, so that's good. And in other health-related news - (I used to think that getting sent to hell would mean spending an eternity at a dinner party where the person next to you described all the minutiae of their health concerns in great detail. I hope my blog isn't too much like that.) I went to SF yesterday to learn to give myself my own needle sticks. I was thinking maybe I could just look it up on wikipedia and try it that way. I mean, how hard can it be? Yeah. so the nurse showed me how to do it, but I didn't do it myself at all. Actually, I was kind of freaking out when she jabbed me with the needle. She seems to think it will take me a few months before I'll be able to do it. Alas and woe. Not only is it a pain to get in to the clinic, but I'm paying out of pocket for getting somebody to prick me.

In case you're wondering how to give yourself an injection into a muscle . . . first wash your hands. Then swab off the top of the bottle containing the injectables. Draw some air into the needle. Stab the bottle with the needle. Push the air out into the bottle. Draw back (a lot) to suck the sesame oil into the needle. Stare at the needle as the oil slowly trickles in. Push up on the needle until the black plunger is even with the 1 ml line (or with whatever line you need). Flick at the needle to get out big air bubbles (these aren't such a big deal when you're trying not to hit a vein). Take the needle out of the bottle. Fine the "belly" of the target muscle. If you're covered with freckles and moles, you can use these for navigation. Clean the spot with rubbing alcohol. Relax the muscle. No, really. Try exhaling. Relax it. Really. They tell me this is possible. Hold the needle perpendicular to the skin to be stabbed. Relax, damn it. Jab yourself. Stay relaxed (ha ha ha). Slowly push extremely thick oil out and into your muscle. When you push the plunger all the way down, the needle will suddenly (and somewhat painfully) retract. Put on a bandaid.

Yeah, so as soon as the needle stabbed me, I clenched up like a mofo. This is undesirable because it means that I won't absorb as much and because it really smarts today. The needle starts tearing up my poor muscle when it's all clenched. Ouch. Once every two weeks isn't all that often. This isn't overly traumatic or time consuming. Using the jell would probably be more hassle. But, alas, this is annoying.

Anyway, I went out for lunch today with an old friend. And when he asked "what's new?" I took a deep breath and said, "not much, how about you?"

October 11th is National Coming out Day. Once, in the 90's, I played a concert with the LGBT marching band on that day and the conductor gave a rousing speech about how everybody should come out. It was such a big deal in the 90's! You don't even know. But at some point, I just sort of, well, stopped. I haven't come out in ages. I mean, it's one of the advantages of being visibly queer. I can mention my girlfriend once and folks look at my wardrobe and then we all rely on common sense. So I'm not in the habit of coming out.

I got my haircut last night and I worked up the courage to tell my hair dresser and she squealed her delighted support. (I love San Francisco.) And then, I was at a bar after wussing out on my injection and I told a guy I know and he said, "really? That's awesome!" (again, I love San Francisco.) And, I mean, it's a big deal, but it's cool and stuff. Like, I dunno, coming out always seemed so serious, like some sort of civic duty. I guess I could say to folks, "hey, I got a new girlfriend! She's awesome!" and that might be coming out. And that's more what this is like. So I get all worked up and don't want to come out because it's intimidating, when it should be more like having an awesome new girlfriend. But, alas, I'm still intimidated.

I called my brother today and asked if him if he was keeping up with this blog. Yep, he is. (Hi Paul.) On the one hand, it's kind of impersonal, but on the other hand, it's a really awkward conversation. Traditionally, people send letters, but that seems to dramatic. This is the 21st century. I think most folks might tend more towards being surprised than shocked. Writing a letter makes it seem more shocking and scandalous than merely surprising. Anyway, my brother was really cool, which is what I hoped for.

And I called my dad today and . . . we debated whether or not waterboarding is torture. And then my head exploded. I'm going to tell my dad in person. (My brother said, "doesn't he read your blog too?" Um, I don't think so?) Then I can hear his theory on the difference between the left and the right in America. He seems to be very pleased with the theory and wants to disclose it in person. It has something to do with evolutionary theory.

I still have no mail form my letting agent. I'm starting to suspect that I won't be able to get on my booked flight back to England, since I still don't have everything I need to apply for a visa and it's less than a week form xmas.

It's been raining like crazy and apparently, my building had construction defects related to the water proofing. So we just started getting those fixed, like, the day I got back here. This is not the best timing to be peeling the skin off the building, since it's actually raining a lot. Predictably, it started leaking a couple of days ago. Today, the leak was fixed. And then it started raining again and now there's more leaking. The water has punched a hole in the ceiling, which is dripping in earnest. And the plasterboard of the wall is getting all messed up.

Oh, yeah and when I tried to install Mac OS X 10.5, it said I had a bad master boot record and refused to mount my hard drive and then some files disappeared when I rebooted in 10.4 and I fear my hard drive might be dying again.

And xmas shopping? Barely started.

So yeah, my home, which I own, is leaking. I have to come out to my dad. And all of my friends who don't read this blog. (BTW, if you're reading this, you should feel empowered to tell people. I mean, I should probably tell my dad myself and also my godmother, but friends and acquaintances can gossip to their heart's delight - just as if I had an awesome new girlfriend.) The conversation with my brother went really well, but was still stressful just to have it. I have to be able to stab myself in the leg while keeping it relaxed and have pain from failing to be relaxed last night. My immigration status is still in disarray. My computer's broke (maybe), and I don't know what to get you for xmas. And I wanted to whine a bit about these things: *whine* ok, thanks.

Um, on a more positive note, I had my second shot. There was a blog several months ago called "The Man Project" where the writer gave herself a dose of T and chronicled what the two weeks were like. My experience was very similar to hers. After two weeks, your body is still treating it like a one time fluke. The first sign of non-flukiness is zits. I started getting them in earnest on Sunday or Monday. (I know I said my voice was lower. One of my friends says the lower pitch is in my normal range for when I'm relaxed. So it's only a sign of happiness, which is nice of it's own right.) I'm all, like, happy to have zits. I bet the novelty of that won't last overly long! Ha ha ha ha!

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