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Thursday 17 January 2008

I cannot deal

The scene: me sitting on my bed, clumsily trying to hold a bottle full of T and a syringe, with my trousers around my ankles. The syringe is pulling up bubbles. I'm trying to flick on the needle and get them out, while still trying to hold the bottle and syringe in separate hands. I rub my leg with rubbing alcohol a 10th time just to make sure. I slowly push the ginormous needle into my leg. The needle is like - i should be pushing my leg into the needle maybe - it's so huge. I slowly push down the plunger thing and oil T runs all over the fucking place but not into my leg, it flows out of my leg. Augh, not deep enough. "damn it, not again," i say and push it in deeper. Even more oil runs every where.

I take a deep breath and push it farther in my leg. Oh my god, how far is it? it's going to hit my bone, it' going to come out the other side, it's going to hit an artery and make my heart all manly and clogged with a cholesterol suspended in an oil, abort! abort! holy shit that was like an inch into my leg! how deep is it supposed to go? i don't know, i'll check the internet. cn i re-use a needle that's already been stuck into my leg? i'm going to be a fucking pin cushion. I'll go to my local doctor tomorrow and ask a nurse to do it, but they'll want to use a different needle. Do I start over with a full dose or use the partial, two-thirds dose still left. did any get in my leg, or did it just run everywhere? what f i get too much? what if i get too little? what if i get full of scars? what if i just can't do this to myself every other week for the rest of my life? it feels like when i was 15 and pierced my own nipple with a seweing needle. it feels exactly like that every two weeks for the rest of my life.

my leg is bleeding. i put a bandaid on it. i feel freaked. there's got to be a better way.

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