I'm starting to get the idea that i might be kind of boring.
I don't talk to many people on a daily basis, which has been the norm for a few years now, but still feels a bit odd to me. So when i do get to talk, i may do it too much. My neighbor, Paula has been talking to me about the thought processes of aspies. Alas, a lot of it is extremely familiar. I compared myself to my surviving relatives and thought i must be NT, but i now suspect i may have been projecting a binary opposition on what should have been a gradation.
Ok, i don't get people, especially not normal people. And maybe i bore them and miss cues suggesting that, say, archeological remains of medieval bell casting is not the most fascinating topic on earth. (Which is madness, because it is so clearly super awesome.)
I've known so many sort of awkward composers, obsessed with odd bits of things. I've always found it charming. I love hearing people talking about things that fascinate them. It's performative, in a way. But awkward folks going on at great lengths about historical hapsicord tunings, well, they're my people. I can kind of see how some folks might not dig it.
How do i feel about this? I don't know. I'd rather be an interesting composer than an interesting conversationalist. I know these aren't in opposition, but somehow, the idea increases my confidence in my music.
Which, alas, has been pretty low lately. I've been kind of suffering for art and, maybe worse, making other suffer for it - not just by boring them. Which leads naturally to the question of whether or not it's worth it. Is my art, in specific, worth sacrifice? Is it worth being alone? Is it worth the investment of time and money? But these might be the wrong questions to ask. I had a lot more money and a much better social life when i was a software engineer, but it wasn't sustainable for me.
I don't know what my point is here. It's time for me to start composing again. To paraphrase john cage, i'm going to dedicate my life to beating my head against a wall.