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Thursday, 28 June 2012

I killed my dog today

A while ago, I posted that Xena had cancer. The vet sent me home with steroids and tramadol, a pain killer. Gradually, she needed more and more pain killer until today, when something got much worse overnight and she could barely walk at all.

I called the vet to ask how much it would cost to get a housecall and then I started calling for cabs that would take a dog. I wish I could say something nice or reassuring about her death. I showed up at the vet's office and they were running more than an hour behind, so Xena lay in the middle of the waiting room floor and looked around nervously. Then she limped around with me to a back room, where she was frightened and hurting. She lay down on a blanket they put out. The vet shaved a section of her leg to give her a shot. She sniffed my eyes where I was crying as he pushed in the injection and just collapsed her head down and had stopped breathing within a moment.

He said she felt no pain, but how would he know that?

I took her collar off and her head flopped easily in my hands. Her body was still warm, her ears still soft, her eyes still open.

I wish I had done it before she got that bad. I wish I hadn't had to do it at all. It doesn't matter what I wish.

2 comments:

Jillian Smythe said...

I'm sorry. It's always a tough decision to make. With my last two cats, I waited too long. I'm struggling now with my current old guy, trying not to make the same mistake. I hope you find some way of honoring Xena, whether through art, or music, finding the perfect figurine that represents her, etc.

PamelaTrounstine said...

You didn't kill her, you let her go with all the love and compassion of a devoted owner. I've been sitting here crying too hard to post, I never had the pleasure of meeting Zena but I know you loved her with all your heart and you were so loyal across countries and moves to her needs and I was once in that place with the vet and people's lives going on around you and it's wait, wait and then it's all over so fast and people's lives are going on as usual around you and my heart just aches for you. I'm so sorry. May time offer you opportunities to remember the wonderful days with Zena, and not so much today. RIP to Zena, and many hugs from across the ocean to you.