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Monday, 7 October 2002

Hrm, my mom has been asleep for the last 3 days. we just got her a reclining wheelchair. it's been like this all along. as soon as we figure out how to deal with whatever stage she's in, she moves on to the next one. I used to make a big deal about saying doobye to her, getting all maudalin about when the last time she was going to be able to say goodbye would happen. well, i made such a big deal about it that, until she got sleepy, everytime my dad or i or anyone kissed her, she would say "goodbye, have a good night. i love you." so i realized it was a stupid thing to make a bid deal about it. but maybe it had meaning to her. anyway, last time she was awake i didn't make a big deal about it and now she's asleep. i wasn't really paying enough attention to her. my dad is acting like it is a huge change that she's sleepy all the time, but she was pretty unengaged the last time i saw her awake. anyway, if she can't wake up she can't swallow medicine. my dad wants to wait until tuesday to talk to the hospice nurse about getting a suppository form of the anti-seizure medicine, because the nurse has an appointment for tuesday. i think he should give them a call today or tomorrow. just because she hasn't had a seizure yet doesn't mean that she won't have one. i don't understand his motive for waiting. does he think that if they don't witness it, maybe it's not real yet? maybe it will reverse itself if we refuse to adjust? or maybe he's noticed that she changes when we adjust and if we respond to her being unconscious, she'll die. He asked me to start writing a biography of her. goodness, i have no idea what to write. My mom was born a long time ago and went to college and got a job and was very happy and then gave it all up to get married and have ungrateful children. that's her autobiography from my childhood, especially when i was being uncooperative. She was a med tech, which meant she drew people's blood and then looked at it for abnormalities and sometimes diagnosed diseases based on the blood samples. She said, "I had doctors coming to me for advice. Doctors! Now it's 'Where's my socks?'" Um, then she inheritted a lot of money and became involved in 327467312649 charities and suddenly started making friends thanks to the miracle of anti-depressants. Then, just as she was getting into leadership roles in all of her organizations and finally found her footing, she got a brain tumor. everybody in the world thought she was super sweet and loved her, but very few of them came to visit. her family members avoided seeing her. the end.

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