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Thursday, 12 June 2003

One Year Ago Today

Celeste's new plan to drive herself insane and make herself miserable

One year ago Monday, my mom finally scheduled my brithday party. My birthday was, of course, in February, but she kept wanting to schedule a party, but forgetting to do it. Every monday, I would call and ask about it, and she would tell me she'd forgotten or someone couldn't make it and it would get put off until the next Monday. This went from February to June. So I would talk to her at least once a week. She told me a few times that she thought she was getting alzheimers. I had just read an article about it, and so told her that it rarely hit people her age. Ususally it got folks older or younger. When I came down, I brought her a saint candle or a prayer card, I think a card, since she's been out of sorts and I wanted to do something helpful. She didn't know quite what to make of it, which was strange.

One year ago today, I went to the Esperanto Concersation group with Joel. Maybe it was a year ago next week. It was at the tail end of the Elna convention, so nobody else was there, except Joel who had left the Kunveno early, just in case someone wandered into the Conversation group. afterwards, I went ot the main branch of the Berkeley library and checked out a book by Dr. Zamenhof, which I never read. Several weeks later, Christi's cousin took it back for me. I never went in to pay those fines.

Or maybe one year ago today was the day that I called my mom and asked if her new medication was helping and she said it was, but seemed confused. Or maybe one year ago today was the day that her doctor gave her physical and said that whatever he problem was, it seemed to be in her head somehow and so started changing around her antidepressant medication. Or maybe it was the day that I finally bought plane tickets to portland for my 4th of July trip up there - the trip I came home from early. Or maybe if I keep thinking about this I can make myself insane.

sometimes, it feels like if you think hard enough about the past that you can change it. But this is false. You cannot change the past. You cannot change the past. You cannot change the past. Hell, you can't even change the future.

I had band practice today. We have some new songs. Polly is starting to panic about the Vegas gig. I like saying "the Vegas gig." For example, "oh yeah, I gotta do some practicing for the Vegas gig." or "Oh yeah, maybe I'll see Robert dyck at the Vegas gig." (the last one especially impresses christi.) It's important to start "the vegas gig" sentences casually, with an "oh yeah," to show how sauve and chill one is about having a Vegas gig. "Oh yeah, a gig is a gig, you know, like the Vegas gig I got coming up." "Oh yeah, we're doing some songs about military aircraft for the Vegas gig, but I'm not really into, you know, warfare or empire or US military supremacy and neocolonialism or anything."

Where was I? Oh yeah, I'm listening to the three new songs over and over and over and over agin to prepare for the Vegas gig, so I can be solid on the bass lines. Over and over and over again. I can feel stark weather coming . . .. I spent all day yesterday trying to get the JJiCalc to write files. Today, I'm going to get it to read them, all while listening to the same three songs over and over again and it will not drive me insane. Or if it does drive me insane, it will be ok, because it's distracting the hell out of me and distraction is good. Being driven to distraction is good.

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