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Monday 2 February 2004

Alas, I am filled with woe and at a loss as to what to do with myself. Why did I break up with christi if I didn't want to breakup with Christi? after she told me not to come to paris, my feelings got hurt with a high percentage of the phone conversations we had. then she announced she was showing up suddenly. i wanted space from all of it. i wanted it to stop. i didn't know what to do. i was worried about things that we hadn't dealt with from the past. i needed time to think. i told her we were breaking up and then didn't speak to her for three weeks. and thought about it. and thought about what i wanted from a relationship. and realized that christi and pretty much wanted the same things and that i love her and she sent email saying she loved me.

but, of course, love conquers nothing.

I was picking up cues. i thought she'd want to work it out. who wouldn't want a low stress, low-drama relationship with me, where reliability was stressed and there were good boundaries and space and stuff?

of course, getting there would be a bit of work. it seemed possible. we had similar goals in mind. after thinking for three weeks, i understood more of what was going on. i felt guilt. i had told christi i would always be there for her and she was in distress, which i had caused, and i wasn't there for her. i always wanted to be more of an ameloriating factor, rather than a stressing factor. I thought about family. family is very important to me. i felt like a member of her family. she was accepted as a member of mine. a couple weeks before she died, my grandma told christi that she thought of her as granddaughter. how could I just walk away from that? what about responsibilities? what about marriage vows? what about nine years together? what about love?

not that it matters anymore, but i think it might have been better to tell her that i was distressed by our phone onversations rather than not speaking to her for three weeks. hindsight. alas alac woe

although i didn't act it, i did have a lot invested in this. my heart for example.

there's so much i wish i could take back or that i'd done differently. all is for naught. the past can't be changed. the future can't be fixed. if you make bad decisions, you have to live with them forever. it's very cold here. there's piles of snow on the ground. it can be below freezing and snowy for ten days in a row and then four degrees above freezing for one day and then ten degrees below freezing for the next month, but in that one warm day, all the snow disappears. what happens afterwards doesn't change the damage that's already been done.

everything is essentially hopeless

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