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Friday, 19 March 2004

fate

this post killed for being too navel-gazing. for pete's sake.

--Update-- this post restored by popular demand

Lately, whatever I've needed has come to me. Not what I wanted, but what I needed. People are appearing at the right times and being helpful to me or nice to me or generally improving my situation a great deal. I feel happy right now and it's because of friends (current and from the past) and some people appearing that I didn't expect. I feel loved, not just by family and friends but also, somehow, by fate or whatever that seems to be steering me in the right direction and causing things to appear at exactly the right time. I think I'm going to become a unitarian.

And so I dunno what to do with myself when the semester ends. I want to come back here, where I'm surrounded by caring and kind people and to pick up things I've started while here. But, alas, Ellen points out that I really really must do more in nyc. (She's right. It's essential for my career.) Then I've got financial entanglements, in that I'll be paying my berkeley morgage and my CT rent no matter where in the world I go off to. And so I feel pulled in multiple directions by career, connections to home and whatnot.

So I'm going to send out some resumes in all directions and then trust in fate. I'm not sure how much trust I have in descision making right now. I decide things and they turn out to not matter cuz of changing circumstance or I decide something and later decide it was a disaster. Or I try to decide things, but am ultimately powerless. I have many feelings, but I don't know how much to trust them or how much weight to give them. All sort of new experiences that most folks have at age 20, not at age 28. filled with doubt. and pulled, ultimately, by the difference between what i want and what i need. alas. how can i tell which is which?

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