maybe i should get a navel piercing to gaze at

ok, first note that i caved in to peer pressure: http://celesteh.blogspot.com/2004_03_14_celesteh_archive.html#107972820218639842

and now i'm going to talk about emotions. i feel like i tore myself down and built myself back up again. and maybe it's too early to say much about that, cuz i've felt like i've had my feet under me for all of a week now. sometimes i feel aftershocks, but not so often. and maybe i'm just in a good mood because it's warm and sunny and if it got cold and dark i'd be sad again, but i dunno, i feel changed. i've been looking in the mirror the last few days and thinking "i'm cute." Which is not something I ever remember thinking before. maybe when i was a child in gradeschool or something. and, well, it's weird. i feel very weird... will it last? i hope so, but you know, it's nice right now.

I started drinking coffee again and that is fantastic. If I have a latte, I am the smartest person on earth! I had some tea before giving my Freud presentation in class today and I felt like doing laps around the classroom. Presentation went well, I think. People were taking notes on what I said. These kids are able to understand Foucault, and that's incredible, but I've read a lot more than them, so if I can find something familiar, I can make a connection that they might not. Oh, this case study of a male hysteric sounds like something I read in Faludi's Stiffed, so maybe I can use what she said to talk about what Freud said. and also, i'm the smartest person on earth! well, only metaphorically

And last night, I was out on a supercollider field trip (geek run) to get pizza in New Haven and I was talking too much, without the benefit of coffee . . .. Many CA folks know me as a really talkative person, but I just haven't been for a while. So...who knows... maybe CT people will have to get used to me talking a lot ... Or maybe I'll stay quiet. It's just weird.

And you guys all asked for navel gazing, so if I seem arrogant or something, well, you asked for it.

I have a bunch of old noise music on the web at http://www.berkeleynoise.com/celesteh, from my analog phase. The last real analog thing I wrote was about death, but it's not on the web. My grandma died not that long before my mom did. My poor dad lost his mother and wife less than a year apart. And all the drama played itself out in minature with my grandma. All the dynamics around my mom's death were there. All of them. Asshole medical health people. Angry me. Christi angrily explaining that she was attached to my grandma too . . ..

I realized at the funeral, that I didn't know what kind of music my grandma liked. I didn't know her favorite singers or her favorite hymns and I asked my dad and he didn't know either. Something incredibly important that I would never know. So I was upset for several months (and mad at my mom because she was acting so weird. oy vey) and finally understood that my grandma was hella old and tired of being alive and had a pretty good life that had to end sometime. so i wrote a piece of music and it turned out to be about that. it sounds like death. less than a week after i finished it, my mom had brain surgery. it's the best piece of music that i ever wrote and so prescient, it scares me. I had been exploring an asthetic of openness and "air" in analog electronics and I lost it at that point. I've been forced to switch to supercollider, which is nice and portable, but kind of bloodless.

Listening to: Laurie Anderson's song "Oh Superman." fxcking fantastic