Cheney

It's a little known fact that dick Cheney actually gave his speech from an undisclosed location and special fx were used to make it look like he was actually at MSG.

I'm sure glad Zell Miller's on our side.

Because I'm worried otherwise he would challenge me to a duel or eat my brain or something!

People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal and his great hair. I say to them: How do you think I got the job?

um.. wow. that's almost a good a joke as the ones the bush twins told. Also, Edwards is stupid! hahaha!

From kindergarten to graduation, I went to public schools. And I know that they are a key to being sure that every child has a chance to succeed and to rise in the world.

I have ancestors who were not billionares. I'm a populist. really.

With higher standards and new resources, America's schools are now on an upward path to excellence, and not for just a few children, but for every child.

If we repeat this enough time, it will become true!

Opportunity also depends on a vibrant, growing economy. As President Bush and I were sworn into office, our nation was sliding into recession, and American workers were overburdened with federal taxes. Then came the events of September 11th, which hit our economy very hard. So President Bush delivered the greatest tax reduction in a generation, and the results are clear to see. 

Well, now, you all know that the recession didn't start till after Bush took office, but, my biollionare constituients, you have all seen the results of your gigantic tax cut! *wink* *wink*

Our nation has the best health care in the world and President Bush is making it more affordable and accessible to all Americans. 

I have never had a problem getting good healthcare, or paying for good healthcare. People who say they have problems are health-care girlie men.

And there is more to do. Under this President's leadership, we will reform medical liability so the system serves patients and good doctors, not personal injury lawyers.

Well, so it serves insurance companies, really. and protects companies from frivolous claims filed by unscrupulous personal injury lawyers who think that non-rich people should be compensated when they get maimed by faulty products.

These have been years of achievement, and we are eager for the work ahead. And in all that we do, we will never lose sight of the greatest challenge of our time: preserving the freedom and security of this nation against determined enemies.

that's enough pretending to care about issues that actually affect people's lives. Let's see I mentioned schools and healthcare and taxes, all kind of in passing. check check check.

Since I last spoke to our national convention, Lynne and I have had the joy of seeing our family grow. We now have a grandson to go along with our three wonderful granddaughters...

finally! A male heir! someone worth of assuming the Cheny Mantle!

and he didn't come from my lesbo daughter . . .

September 11th, 2001, made clear the challenges we face. On that day we saw the harm that could be done by 19 men armed with knives and boarding passes. America also awakened to a possibility even more lethal: this enemy, whose hatred of us is limitless, armed with chemical, biological, or even nuclear weapons.

Nukes! They've got Nukes! Good thing I have an undisclosed location! FEAR!!!

The fanatics who killed some 3,000 of our fellow Americans may have thought they could attack us with impunity, because terrorists had done so previously

Under that no-good adulter Clinton!!!! Oh, no, wait . . .

In a campaign that has reached around the world, we have captured or killed hundreds of Al Qaida. In Afghanistan, the camps where terrorists trained to kill Americans have been shut down and the Taliban driven from power. 

there were more nypd on duty during that speech than there were american soldiers in afghanistan, but whatever. Failure is sucess! Ignorance is strenght! Bush/Orwell 04!

The biggest threat we face today is having nuclear weapons fall into the hands of terrorists. The president is working with many countries in a global effort to end the trade and transfer of these deadly technologies. The most important result thus far, and it is a very important one, is that the black-market network that supplied nuclear weapons technology to Libya, as well as to Iran and North Korea, has been shut down. 

We don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud over NYC! nukes! they've got nukes! run for your lives! Aieeee!

The president's opponent is an experienced senator. He speaks often of his service in Vietnam, and we honor him for it.

By wearing baindaids with purple hearts on them, mocking him for being injured in a war that neither I nor the president went to.

But there is also a record of more than three decades since. And on the question of America's role in the world, the differences between Senator Kerry and President Bush are the sharpest, and the stakes for the country are the highest. 

Hear that Nader supporters?!!?

Senator Kerry began his political career by saying he would like to see our troops deployed "only at the directive of the United Nations." 

Kerry thinks war should only be as a last resort after all other options have been exhausted! What a loser!

Even in this post-9/11 period, Senator Kerry doesn't appear to understand how the world has changed. He talks about leading a "more sensitive war on terror" . . . as though Al Qaida will be impressed with our softer side. 

Bring 'em on! you're with us or you're with al queda! Screw you!

We are faced with an enemy who seeks the deadliest of weapons to use against us, and we cannot wait for the next attack. We must do everything we can to prevent it, and that includes the use of military force.

Nukes!! Nukes! aIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Senator Kerry denounces American action when other countries don't approve, as if the whole object of our foreign policy were to please a few persistent critics. 

what does foreign policy have to do with working with other countries? "Foreign policy" means war, right? War is Peace! Freedom is Slavery!

But, in fact, in the global war on terror, as in Afghanistan and Iraq, President Bush has brought many allies to our side.

Notice how I skillfully avoided saying that Iraq was part of the war on terror or that Bush brought many allies there. That gives me plausible deniability for any possible future war crimes trial.

George W. Bush will never seek a permission slip to defend the American people.

this line was so good in Kerry's acceptance speech that I thought I should borrow it.

[Kerry] does not seem to understand the first obligation of a commander in chief, and that is to support American troops in combat.

by cutting pay and benefits and billing them for meals they eat in hospitals and generally impovershing vetrans like Bush has done

The other candidate in this race is a man our nation has come to know and one I've come to admire very much. I watch him at work every day. I have seen him face some of the hardest decisions that come to the Oval Office and make those decisions with the wisdom and humility Americans expect in their president. 

I see him every day. his expression of resolve. his posture. that crease he gets in his forehead when he's thinking. His firm butt. . .

And he brings out those qualities in those around him. He is a man of great personal strength and, more than that, a man with a heart for the weak and the vulnerable and the afflicted. 

Excuse me, I meant to say, " a man who rips hearts from the weak, the vunerable and afflicted and then feeds those hearts to his dogs."

According to a news account last month, people leaving the Democratic National Convention asked a Boston policeman for directions. He replied, leave here, and go vote Republican.

Ha ha ha! I love mean cops! you know what would have ruled? If he'd said that and then he'd clubbed them!

Our president understands the miracle of this great country. He knows the hope that drives it and shares the optimism that has long been so important a part of our national character. He gets up each and every day determined to keep our great nation safe so that generations to come will know the freedom and opportunities we have known and more.

Oh, right. Optimism. check. vote for us and GIGANTIC TERRORIST NUCLEAR WEAPONS might not RAIN DOWN AND KILL YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP! AIEEEE! THEY'VE GOT NUKES! NUKES!! NUKES!!

thank you and goodnight

NUKES!!!

Cheney then broke free from his handlers and mauled three children before finally being shot with a tranquelizer dart and being removed to an undisclosed location