Hail to the Theif

Mr. Chairman, delegates, fellow citizens: I am honored by your support, and I accept your nomination for President of the United States.

You like me! You really like me! Of course, just to be certain, we cancelled Republican primaries in several states.

When I said those words four years ago, none of us could have envisioned what these years would bring.

whoo-boy my critics did guess how bad I'd be by half!

In the heart of this great city, we saw tragedy arrive on a quiet morning. We saw the bravery of rescuers grow with danger. We learned of passengers on a doomed plane who died with a courage that frightened their killers.

I'd just like to remind you of a subtle theme of this convention: 9/11! 9/11! Terror! Fear! 9/11!

Since 2001, Americans have been given hills to climb and found the strength to climb them. Now, because we have made the hard journey, we can see the valley below. Now, because we have faced challenges with resolve, we have historic goals within our reach, and greatness in our future. We will build a safer world and a more hopeful America and nothing will hold us back.

My empty platitudes really poll very well.

I believe every child can learn and every school must teach — so we passed the most important federal education reform in history. Because we acted, children are making sustained progress in reading and math, America's schools are getting better, and nothing will hold us back.

My advisors told me no child left behind is working. They also sold me a lovely bridge across town.

I am running for President with a clear and positive plan to build a safer world and a more hopeful America. I am running with a compassionate conservative philosophy: that government should help people improve their lives, not try to run their lives. I believe this nation wants steady, consistent, principled leadership — and that is why, with your help, we will win this election.

Remember "compassionate conservatism" from my last campaign? Yeah, me neither. But I was hoping you might fall for it again. You know what they say in Tennessee, "fool me once . . . shame on . . . you . . .. fool me twice . . . can't get fooled again"

The story of America is the story of expanding liberty: an everwidening circle, constantly growing to reach further and include more. Our nation's founding commitment is still our deepest commitment: In our world, and here at home, we will extend the frontiers of freedom.

By expanding the Patriot Act. Freedom is slavery!

The times in which we live and work are changing dramatically. The workers of our parents' generation typically had one job, one skill, one career — often with one company that provided health care and a pension. And most of those workers were men. Today, workers change jobs, even careers, many times during their lives, and in one of the most dramatic shifts our society has seen, two-thirds of all moms also work outside the home.

and ha ha. you can kiss that healthcare and pension goodbye.

My plan begins with providing the security and opportunity of a growing economy. We now compete in a global market that provides new buyers for our goods, but new competition for our workers. To create more jobs in America, America must be the best place in the world to do business. To create jobs, my plan will encourage investment and expansion by restraining federal spending, reducing regulation and making tax relief permanent. To create jobs, we will make our country less dependent on foreign sources of energy. To create jobs, we will expand trade and level the playing field to sell American goods and services across the globe. And we must protect small business owners and workers from the explosion of frivolous lawsuits that threaten jobs across America.

To create corporate wealth, we need to be more buisiness-friendly and less worker friendly. We need to forget the notion that governments exist for the benefit of people. You pay your taxes to help companies, not for schools or roads. And forget about clean air or water. They're expensive! Rich people aren't going to be paying taxes anymore, so those programs have to go. We're going to increase domestic energy production, by annexing some Middle Eastern countries. We're going to level the playing field by getting our level of worker and environmental protections more in line with the cheapest countries in the world. If they pay only pennies per day, then so will we! New jobs already pay thousands less than the jobs eliminated during my first term. also, if workers get injured on the job, well, heh heh, We're going to "protect" them from getting compensation for it. In this way, CEO compensations will continue to rise and billionaire wealth will continue to climb.

Another drag on our economy is the current tax code, which is a complicated mess — filled with special interest loopholes, saddling our people with more than six billion hours of paperwork and headache every year. The American people deserve — and our economic future demands — a simpler, fairer, pro-growth system. In a new term, I will lead a bipartisan effort to reform and simplify the federal tax code.

Ha ha ha! this my favorite one! You know how Issa stole a bunch of cars and then made a killing by selling car alarms? and you know how Pete Wilson made a bunch of deals with Enron to screw up California's energy market and then a Republican used that as a campaign issue to defeat Davis? ha ha ha! I screwed up the tax code! And you know how I'm going to fix it? ha ha ha! Flat tax! think of all the money the ultra-rich will save!

In this time of change, opportunity in some communities is more distant than in others. To stand with workers in poor communities — and those that have lost manufacturing, textile and other jobs — we will create American opportunity zones. In these areas, we'll provide tax relief and other incentives to attract new business and improve housing and job training to bring hope and work throughout all of America.

Actually, we'll just create zones that are free from taxes and regulations and screw that housing and school stuff. A slice of the third world right in your poor neighborhood!

In a new term, I will ensure every poor county in America has a community or rural health center.

I won't start that now or anything. Because there are certain "services" they won't be providing. No worries about that! We don't want that getting attention until after the election. those ladies sure do get their panties in a bunch about their baby killing "rights"

And in all we do to improve health care in America, we will make sure that health decisions are made by doctors and patients, not by bureaucrats in Washington, D.C

So you insurance guys don't worry. Healthcare will never be a right. It will never be nationalized. We won't demand that you cover anything in particular. didn't I just say less government oversight?

In this time of change, government must take the side of working families. In a new term, we will change outdated labor laws to offer comp time and flex time. Our laws should never stand in the way of a more family friendly workplace.

I'm so family friendly that I'm eliminating overtime pay! That's because when I say "family," I mean it the way Tony Soprano means it! Get it? businesses are part of the "family"!

Another priority for a new term is to build an ownership society, because ownership brings security, and dignity and independence.

Basically, the entire country is for sale to the highest bidder. Act now, and you can own it.

These changing times can be exciting times of expanded opportunity. And here, you face a choice. My opponent's policies are dramatically different from ours. Senator Kerry opposed Medicare reform and health savings accounts. After supporting my education reforms, he now wants to dilute them. He opposes legal and medical liability reform. He opposed reducing the marriage penalty, opposed doubling the child credit and opposed lowering income taxes for all who pay them.

Ther parties are not the same. Do not vote third party! We're both pro-corporation, but I'm even more so! for instance, Kerry thought that "benefits" that are just for people with extra money, like allowing folks who can afford it health savings account, well, he thought that was bad, because he's a pinko commie. And he's against my leave no single child (leave a lot of them!) behind act. Can you beleive it? He think injured people should have rights to compensation when they get hurt on the job or by faulty products. He thinks rich people should have to pay their share of taxes! He's way different than I am!

His policies of tax and spend — of expanding government rather than expanding opportunity — are the policies of the past. We are on the path to the future — and we are not turning back.

the future is the past! McKinley is my president!

In this world of change, some things do not change: the values we try to live by, the institutions that give our lives meaning and purpose. Our society rests on a foundation of responsibility and character and family commitment.

not on hedonistic queers!

Because family and work are sources of stability and dignity, I support welfare reform that strengthens family and requires work.

Because sending poor, single mothers off to minimum wage jobs, but not providing them with childcare, strengthens "the family."

Because a caring society will value its weakest members, we must make a place for the unborn child.

And those poor, single mothers don't really get a choice about becoming mothers. he he he. Unborn fetuses are our weakest members of society. poor humans are moral failures who deserve what they get.

Because religious charities provide a safety net of mercy and compassion, our government must never discriminate against them.

Please note that I'm against the entire first amendment, not just this part

Because the union of a man and woman deserves an honored place in our society, I support the protection of marriage against activist judges.

He he he. Screw the queers! I mean, not literally! ewwww!

And I will continue to appoint federal judges who know the difference between personal opinion and the strict interpretation of the law.

If you like these ideas, you'll love my judicial nominees! Hear that, Ralph Nader??!!

My opponent recently announced that he is the candidate of "conservative values," which must have come as a surprise to a lot of his supporters. Now, there are some problems with this claim. If you say the heart and soul of America is found in Hollywood, I'm afraid you are not the candidate of conservative values. If you voted against the bipartisan Defense of Marriage Act, which President Clinton signed, you are not the candidate of conservative values. If you gave a speech, as my opponent did, calling the Reagan presidency eight years of "moral darkness," then you may be a lot of things, but the candidate of conservative values is not one of them.

Progressives take heart: Kerry may not exactly be a liberal, but he's wayyyy left of Bush

his election will also determine how America responds to the continuing danger of terrorism — and you know where I stand. Three days after September 11th, I stood where Americans died, in the ruins of the Twin Towers. Workers in hard hats were shouting to me, "Whatever it takes." A fellow grabbed me by the arm and he said, "Do not let me down." Since that day, I wake up every morning thinking about how to better protect our country. I will never relent in defending America — whatever it takes.

that's where I stood three days later. you know, after I quit being mesmerized by My Pet Goat

o we have fought the terrorists across the earth — not for pride, not for power, but because the lives of our citizens are at stake.

ok, nevermind, it was for pride and power after all. Also, dick's been making a killing off of those contracts we keep giving him.

his progress involved careful diplomacy, clear moral purpose, and some tough decisions. And the toughest came on Iraq. We knew Saddam Hussein's record of aggression and support for terror. We knew his long history of pursuing, even using, weapons of mass destruction. And we know that Sept. 11th requires our country to think differently: We must, and we will, confront threats to America before it is too late.

Note I've just implied a connection between Iraq and September 11 without actually stating one. My speech writers are so tricky!

Do I forget the lessons of Sept. 11th and take the word of a madman, or do I take action to defend our country? Faced with that choice, I will defend America every time.

I will never make a descision based on the word of Zell Miller.

Despite ongoing acts of violence, Iraq now has a strong prime minister, a national council, and national elections are scheduled for January.

He's so strong he just capped a bunch of prisoners in the head! Just like that! He said, "you're going down, motherfuckers" and then he just capped them. Just like that. He's a strong prime minister!

The people we have freed won't forget either. Not long ago, seven Iraqi men came to see me in the Oval Office. They had "X"s branded into their foreheads, and their right hands had been cut off, by Saddam Hussein's secret police, the sadistic punishment for imaginary crimes. During our emotional visit one of the Iraqi men used his new prosthetic hand to slowly write out, in Arabic, a prayer for God to bless America. I am proud that our country remains the hope of the oppressed, and the greatest force for good on this earth.

thanks to the CIA, torture in Iraq will not longer leave such noticable marks.

We were honored to aid the rise of democracy in Germany and Japan and Nicaragua and Central Europe and the Baltics — and that noble story goes on.

good god! Ahnold is praising Nixon and Bush is speaking favorably of the terror we unleashed upon Nicaragua! Has the world turned upside down?

And I have met with parents and wives and husbands who have received a folded flag, and said a final goodbye to a soldier they loved.

actually, I haven't met with any families of any of the thousand soldiers killed in Iraq, but I've really been meaning to.

God bless you, and may God continue to bless America.

god is on MY side and with his help, I hope to one day start fulfilling all of my non-war related campaign promises I made four years ago. thank you and goodnight.