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Wednesday 8 September 2004


I finally arrived here in 1968. I had empty pockets, but I was full of dreams. The presidential campaign was in full swing. I remember watching the Nixon and Humphrey presidential race on TV. A friend who spoke German and English, translated for me. I heard Humphrey saying things that sounded like socialism, which is what I had just left. But then I heard Nixon speak. He was talking about free enterprise, getting government off your back, lowering taxes and strengthening the military. Listening to Nixon speak sounded more like a breath of fresh air.

Nixon? Sounded like a breath of fresh air? Appealing to whiste southern racists was a breath of fresh air?

To my fellow immigrants listening tonight, I want you to know how welcome you are in this party. We Republicans admire your ambition. We encourage your dreams. We believe in your future. One thing I learned about America is that if you work hard and play by the rules, this country is truly open to you. You can achieve anything.

especially if you look like the ruling class

Everything I have my career my success my family I owe to America. In this country, it doesn't make any difference where you were born. It doesn't make any difference who your parents were. It doesn't make any difference if, like me, you couldn't even speak English until you were in your twenties.

I'm governor of California and I just want to let you know that all the struggling Mexicans are just lazy.

If you believe that government should be accountable to the people, not the people to the government...then you are a Republican! If you believe a person should be treated as an individual, not as a member of an interest group... then you are a Republican! If you believe your family knows how to spend your money better than the government does... then you are a Republican! If you believe our educational system should be held accountable for the progress of our children ... then you are a Republican! If you believe this country, not the United Nations, is the best hope of democracy in the world ... then you are a Republican! And, ladies and gentlemen ...if you believe we must be fierce and relentless and terminate terrorism ... then you are a Republican!

Yes, I want an accountable government!

Yes, I'm an individual! oh, no wait, does he mean a "special interest group" like old people lobbying for social security or gay people arguing for their rights or black people demanding affirmative action or women wanting equal pay? United we stand devided, we get rolled over.

I know how to spend my money! oh, no wait. Does this mean that I have no garuntee of basic services? Isn't it better to have the government build roads than have private toll roads? Taxes are used to pay for things that help me and my family.

Yay education! Wait, with no yaxes, there's no education and . . . HEY!! this is about testing isn't it? boo!

Terrorism? By like getting in wars with third world countries like Iraq which have no connection to terrorism? Oh, wait. He said "terminate." ha ha ha. I get it.

There is another way you can tell you're a Republican. You have faith in free enterprise, faith in the resourcefulness of the American people ... and faith in the U.S. economy. To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: "Don't be economic girlie men!"

Yes, if you're still rich, then you're a Republican. If you're worried about the poor, you're a pussie. and if you are poor, well, ha ha ha, cunt. Using female imagry as signs of weakness shows that I have balls.

The U.S. economy remains the envy of the world. We have the highest economic growth of any of the world's major industrialized nations. Don't you remember the pessimism of 20 years ago when the critics said Japan and Germany were overtaking the U.S.? Ridiculous!

History is inevitable, so any worry that didn't actually occur is ludicrous. Obviously it was our destiny to be in the lead, as it's what happened. Also, the soviet bloc was never really a threat beacuse nothing bad ever happened, which is the opposite of how I opened my speech, but I'm an actor, I just read lines.

He knows you don't reason with terrorists. You defeat them. He knows you can't reason with people blinded by hate. They hate the power of the individual. They hate the progress of women. They hate the religious freedom of others. They hate the liberating breeze of democracy. But ladies and gentlemen, their hate is no match for America's decency.

"liberating breeze"???

they hate the progress of women and so do we! Girlie men!

They hate our religion and we hate theirs!

"liberating breeze"?

We're the America that sends out Peace Corps volunteers to teach village children. We're the America that sends out missionaries and doctors to raise up the poor and the sick. We're the America that gives more than any other country, to fight aids in Africa and the developing world. And we're the America that fights not for imperialism but for human rights and democracy.

"We're the America that gives more than any other country, to fight aids in Africa and the developing world." That's an outright lie. and something like 30% of our anti-AIDS money is going to abstinence only programs. Not for teenages. For adults in Africa. Remaining abstinant for their entire lives. That's what we're telling them. Because anything that limits the number of brown people is good.

You know, when the Germans brought down the Berlin Wall, America's determination helped wield the sledgehammers. When that lone, young Chinese man stood in front of those tanks in Tiananmen Square, America's hopes stood with him. And when Nelson Mandela smiled in election victory after all those years in prison, America celebrated, too.

Um, didn't we extend most favored nation trade status to China right after that? and didn't we back apartheid for years and years? and, um, wow, this speech is mostly untrue, isn't it?

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