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Wednesday, 26 January 2005

Over Quota

Apparently, Wesleyan has some sort of quota on their email system, so you can't have more than 30 megabytes of undeleted email. Sheesh. So I've been going through, re-reading old messages and deleting ones that no longer matter, such as notices of overdue library books, schedule changes from concerts a year ago as well as personal exchanges. I had a lot more correspondence a year ago than I do now. Tons. I keep reading email people sent me a year ago. My god, was my life bleak. I went on d00med dates with people from personal ads who like Yanni and disliked academics. Worse, I had angst about it. The ex wanted to reconcile, then she didn't, then she did, then she didn't . . .. Repeat until Spring Break when I finally realized she had just been viscious on purpose and quit talking to her.

I feel all despondent just reading it. However, many things are abudantly clear from this perspective. 1. My life is way better now than it was a year ago. 2. Breaking up was right choice. 3. My friends are all very swell.

Yes, I have a rule about no smack-talking the ex. Yes, I just broke it. I'm sorry. I'm not sure how to think/talk/write about her. Nine years is a long time. There were good times. There were bad times. Sometimes I miss her. Those times are less and less. I've been leaving her out of stories and saying "I did x" when it was her and I. I did everything with her. Virtually nothing "I did x" was by myself. But I don't want to talk about her every time I talk about a life experience. I'm a lot more individuated now than I've ever been. After being alone for the first time, I didn't know who I was. But it turns out, I'm who I've always been. Just that person was sometimes just below the surface and not so visible. This gets all slippery when I try to blog it and I'm not sure. It's hard to see personal change, cuz there's no distance and no perspective.

Theoretically, the Saturn Return lasts from 27 - 29. I think I kicked it off early with my mother dying. This coming birthday will be my third without her, and hopefully, the end of my Saturn Return. In Indertiminancy, John Cage says, "Before enlightenment, men are men and mountains are mountains. After enlightenment it is the same. In between, things get confused for a while." Moutains are now very certainly coalescing into rock and dirt and whatnot. Too bad I'm not enlightened, although I bet this would be a step on that path.

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