I woke up this morning feeling sooooo angsty. Unbeleivable levels of angst. Is it the late winter snow or what? then I went off to improvise with Anthony Braxton and he's an angsty guy too. The level of angst was high and stressed ack-i'm-running-late energy from both of us and then we sat down and played . . .
and it was magical. I'm going to try to play my tuba every day. or a synthesizer. but a computer doesn't count. Anthony was talking about how music makes him sane etc, etc etc. It's true for me too. sometimes musicians look down as elitists on non-art types. "how sad for them to have no art" we say. But they should look down on us. "how sad for them that they get paralyzed with angst if they don't play a tuba. what a handicap."
i generated some email asking about study abroad next year. IRCAM's deadline was in October. I've heard that CCMIX has a late deadline. I dunno. Friday evening in Paris by the time I emailed. Maybe I'll hear Monday. And my advisor wants me to email him about my thesis but is as bad at reading email as I am. So, just like with the German exchange folks, I'm not going to hear squat. The german exchange here is good for any university in Germany. Maybe I could go to Berlin or Köln or a big city. I wonder how I would go about researching music schools in Germany . . . before the start of spring break. AND write my thesis.
My computer has almost all of my applications working now and all the data is happy, as far as I can tell. I think I should go work all day tomorrow in the studio, as I have an idea that being in a more public place will enable me to concentrate better. It's hard to sit home alone and work. also, periodic interactions with people prevent me from stewing in angst.
Major sources of angst include thesis (big cloud of doom hanging over head) and study abroad (what will i do next year, ack) and gf (why would she want to go to Karlsruhe, does this mean the end). And if matt, anne judy and everyone else I've talked to all say negative things, why do I want to go? A couple of those people have a certain tendency to take a more balanced view of things. As in, for all the drama and frustration and my near constant whining, I see my experience at Wesleyan as completely positive. Some of BW exchange alums took their Wesleyan frustrations more to heart and can't say that their experience was completely positive. Which is to say that I tend to overstate the positive in a way that makes me rate things more positively than others might given my same experience.
bah. doom. maybe i should just be doing phD applications.
and writing my thesis
maybe i should take next year off get a job.