I am annoyed that I'm still asking the same questions I was asking when I was 12 and 17 years later, I still don't have answers. Isn't my saturn return supposed to be done by now? I was searching my blog archives yesterday for "gender binary" to find a quote by Cixous and damn if I don't have hundreds of posts about it. "I'm fine with my body." "I don't know if I'm fine with my body." "No, I really mean it, I'm fine." "Well, I dunno." "Fine! I'm fine!" "I'm really fine this time." "I'm finally fine." "Of course, things are great, fine, really." yeah, periods of unsureness followed by protesting too much?
[TMI warning Skip to next paragraph] Friday night I was looking on the internets and pictures of naked men and damn are they're kind of weird looking. Of course, they were models and I also think women models are kind of weird looking.
If I do the academic route, I'll be 30 when I start PhD program, probably 35(?) when I finish, probably at least 40 when I get tenure, if I get tenure. My attempts to talk Cola into bearing my young have been for naught so far. So let's say I go and have kids. I can either do it after coursework and god knows if I finish my thesis or I can do it during a sabbatical when I'm supposed to be publishing or something or I can wait until I'm too old. Or I can adopt, also when I'm kind of old.
And if I'm still having gender issues and have become reasonably convinced I'm not going to look like a "straight college guys" pron model, um, I can start tweaking my hormones, take a break from that, have a kid and go back to tweaking? Wait until I have a kid and then start tweaking while it's still young? It's so hard to figure out how to be a dad in a postmodernist society... ha ha ha.
tomorrow i'll change my mind again. "i'm fine." meanwhile, this biological clock ticking thing is a patriarchal lie designed to oppress women by creating a false dilemma where they are forced to chose between career goals and the supposedly "innate" desire to reproduce. Just ask me 10 years ago.
I think I might go to a support group for cross-dressers for one meeting before I'm off to europe. oh my god, i'm so weird.