Elizabeth Dole

Hey, remember when she was running against Bush in the primaries and then her own husband donated a bunch of money to bush and not her? I bet she does too! (insert viagara joke here)

[Mr. President,] You have restored honor and dignity to the White House.

Number of blowjobs from interns: zero!

Amount of blow ingested: let's no discuss that.

[Republicans] still believe that character is king. We saw that lived out in the life of Ronald Wilson Reagan.

Asleep in meetings? Can hardly string a sentence together? Have no idea what's going on? It's ok as long as you look good and like puppies.

Ronald Reagan, who called an empire evil and won the Cold War.

This party will never learn from massive foreign policy blunders. And if things work out despite all of our near-disasterous errors, well, we'll take credit for it forever.

We still believe that liberty is the birthright of every soul. That's why in Afghanistan, women were freed from virtual slavery and given access to books and education and a future. That's why in Afghanistan and Iraq, the dark clouds of oppression have parted for 50 million people.

Yes, everything in Afghanistan is going great.

And until they can clearly see the blue skies of freedom, we are standing by them. 

Ok, it's not actually going great. And we're not actually standing by them, siince we've diverted all our troops to Iraq, but her, who cares?

Yet we know our true strength is not in our weapons. We are a great nation because we are a good people. And we are a good people because of what we believe. We believe in the dignity of every life, the possibility of every mind, the divinity of every soul. This is our true north. We believe in life . . . the new life of a man and woman joined together under God. Marriage is not important because it's a convenient invention or the latest reality show. Marriage is important because it is the cornerstone of civilization and the foundation of the family.

Our strength is not just in our big bombs, but also our willful intolerance. Yes, my fellow americans, ignorace is strength.

We value the sacred life of every man, woman, and child. We believe in a culture that respects all life including the most vulnerable in our society, the frail elderly, the infirm, and those not yet born. 

Unless the fetus is a homo and then it can go to hell.

We believe in the treasured life of faith. Two-thousand years ago, a man said, "I have come to give life and to give it in full." In America, I have the freedom to call that man Lord, and I do.

Well, saying that is more or less compulsory in this convention and, hopefully, will be soon all over the world. And then we'll all have that freedom. Freedom is slavery.

In the United States of America, we are free to worship without discrimination, without intervention, and even without activist judges trying to strip the name of God from the pledge of allegiance, from the money in our pockets, and from the walls of our courthouses.

Everyone in America freely worships Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior or else. Freedom is slavery.

The Constitution guarantees freedom of religion, not freedom from religion.

I saw that on a bumper sticker on a humvee in the parking lot! Isn't it clever? We can all worship Jesus in the fundamentalist church of our own choosing!

The last century was known as the "American Century." In a single lifetime, I have seen Americans split the atom, abolish Jim Crow, eliminate the scourge of polio, win the Cold War, plant our flag on the surface of the moon, map the human genetic code, and belatedly recognize the talents of women, minorities, the disabled and others once relegated to the shadows. 

Um, but we invented Jim Crow . . .

And a little too belatedly. They told me a lady couldn't be president. My own husband refused to support me! You bastards will let me speak on this stage, but not sit in the oval office. You sexist assholes. I would like to conclude this speech, not in the requisite call for blessing, but by telling you to all go Cheney yourselves.